He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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