They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
