I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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