I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
