Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
