i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
