there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
