It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
