Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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