Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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