Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
