my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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