New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
