I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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