Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
