I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
