this beer tastes like vomit already
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
