Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
