There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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