a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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