Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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