Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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