Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
