"it" just moved
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
