Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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