I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
