Midget sex pt 2 tonight
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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