My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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