I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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