4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
