Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We are two peas in an std pod
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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