Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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