I'm so fucking centered right now
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize