ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
