I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
