that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
