btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
