Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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