Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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