If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
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I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
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He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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