I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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