But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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