I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
