I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
