I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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