Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
