All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
This is classic penis vs brain.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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