i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
