my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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