it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
