She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
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Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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