I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
