eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
