My first STD was from a foam party
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
