I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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