I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
