How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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