90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
