i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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