me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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